WHY DO ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END

FLAME TO DUST
LOVERS TO FRIENDS
FRIENDS TO ENEMY....



The last time I wrote about my heartbreak and fail relationships was almost a year ago...that was completely different then.
I'm 31 years old now, throughout my years in life. I had exactly 4 relationships before, based on romance,lust,passions and love(doesn't mean in that particular order) every each, teaches me and make me a better person . I have to admit, I'm not the most perfect person in the world, then again. No one is.
This time I had to face another breakup(so far the worst) and then check this out. Is not even a relationship to start with. A friendship turn into fatal attraction(WOW, I'm using bombastic expressions)

Here you go, I have a close friend, a guy that I've the chance to meet and known almost a year ago. I was then a single girl who has just went through a breakup , I needed new friends in my life. Instead of making friends with my own kind, I decided to open myself to befriend with my opposite sex.

He was a sweet,cute, kind, charming boy and has the level of maturity that is so attractive to me. He portray an alpha male that I always am a sucker for. Anyway, after awhile, the closeness begins to flourished as an infatuation. I decided to confront him and told him about my feelings. He responded positively but rejecting the idea in the most subtle way. I remember that heavy load of burden was light off from me, and I was relief that I was being honest to him. I thought the friendship will be so awkward, but it was a total different story. I remember telling him, I don't want to lose him as a friend, and I will continue to love him in my own ways, I literally beg him not to stop me from doing so(damn that was lame and one of my -what was I'm thinking moment)

We begin our beautiful friendship, we spend many hours and days together or with friends. We always find a reason to meet, be it lunch, dinner, endless coffee sessions, movies or just a ride in his car driving aimlessly in our little humble city . Friends start to assume we were an item but of course we were not and we dismissed the idea. I have to admit, I do threat him extra special, but I always tell myself. It can't be more than a friend over n over again, but the back of my mind keep on whispering me these false hopes and fake dreams of someday he will turn around and says that he loves me. It never happen in the reality though. We have our differences, but we make sure to talk it out. He is an amazing guy, with so much potential in life, I make sure to lead him the way and introduce him to my world, my work, my family. Let him discover the world that he never expected someday he would.

During this friendship period, I closed my door to any potential lover, cause I was happy with him, and I wasn't looking for love . I was happy with what I had then. I found something that is more than I'm looking for. When I was in a real relationship, SEX was the priority. I'm not prude and I was sexually active person , and I found most of my ex-es enjoy the sex with me(not trying to blow my own horn-again, mind my pun)

My friends who knows me were quite concern with new idea of 'friendship' which for them is a bit too far. They tried to talked me out of it, advising me to stay away of being too intimate with friendship. I admit, I was stubborn and would rather experience pain and pleasure myself. In that sense, I want to experience life as it is and I want to let myself grow. I know is not bed of roses, but being me. It was digging my own grave slowly and deeply without me even realizing it. But, they don't see what I see in him, his kindness and his willingness to be by my side at most time when I needed someone, and it takes two to tango. But I'm only human, I do expect something in return. When I look back, I've sacrificed many things for him, but everything I did was out of sincerity and honesty. I was expecting too much in return . I give and give and continue to give, but I get non in return. All I want was, a small amount of respect and love , but I have no regrets, cause I truly believe in karma, and i believe what comes around does goes around, no matter what. It may not be soon, but later.

When I was with him , I've went through happiness, sadness, jealousy, overwhelming love, extensive generosity(which I rarely show these to any of my other friends) vice versa, I can feel that he does put me much in his priority list, but I forgot that he's young and growing up . The mistakes that I made was, I make him feel I was obsessive towards him and making him feel I was still hoping for his love- it's quite a yes and no answers on my defends. But I do keep myself sane from time to time , that it will never happen between me and him. I start to see a different side of him , he starts to get annoying and disturbing at times. He is so emotional and can be very heartless, is like the universe is channeling the energy only to him. He start show his true characters, which later I learnt to compromise and try not dwell. But as a friend, I become expressive to him, telling him to his face the do's and don'ts. Again, he would feel I'm trying to control his life, but to me is ensuring him not to make any stupid mistakes that I used to make. Again, this is just my nature and it was definitely not right for me to do so. I try not to focus on the negative energy that surrounding our slowly drifting a part friendship, and I start to back out slowly and I start to treat him just like a regular friend, with no special treatment . I start to listen to my inner voices, I start to surrender to reality and let go what is necessary.

I thought my action will result in a positive respond to him, by then I see him with new group of friends. At first I'm having a withdrawal syndrome, I get paranoid and overly jealous. I show it my emotion and my expressions. I knew exactly the fact that he hates my silent treatment with him, he can sense something is not right but too cool to ask why from me. It get worst, when I see his sort call friends starts to use him for a ride, start to take advantage and start to misused and abuse him subconsciously. It was too heartbreaking for me to witness them all, I dont wanna make mistakes by being the overly protected friend, I decided to stay away from him and let him realize it by himself. But I know the fact that it will be useless for me to barge in as I know he will deny and defensive when I start questioning and judging his friends.

Prior to the problem, 2 weeks before his birthday. I was planning for a grand surprise dinner party for him, yes it was rather sad and pathetic of me. The plan of course went down the dirty drain almost immediately.

It starts by him updating his FACEBOOK status, with all this negative homophobic and transphobic innuendo that clearly to hurt my feelings. The most painful part would be, he is not a stupid and ignorant person that he is . He knows he exactly the consequences of his action, he told me before on how he has issues in keeping friends. I discover that is not all about the other party, but is always falls under his personality and his attitude.

The facebook status between me and him starts to become an internet war, both of us responded by channeling negative and nasty status, the objective was to hurt each other.
But a good friend advised me to be silent and let it go by not responding to it anymore. I did
and I get to see a clearer picture and somehow I managed to think clearly .

It was only on the day of his 'grand' birthday party when he decided not to have me in his party list, i realize...after almost 11 months of being his friend, I was not his friend, I was never his friend, he decided to make me his enemy, he choose to make me the evil person who try to homosexual-him up and I was never someone to him at all...all those long hours,days ,weeks and months that we have shared together was nothing to him...

A lady like me and the independent 'bitchy' woman in me yearning to make the right decisions. DELETE him from my life, and that was clearly the next best thing to do : DELETED him from my FACEBOOK...Instead of obsessing about him, instead of reading nasty comments about me in his status wall..I'll DELETE him completely...

I swear to God, I never felt so humiliated in my entire life by someone who I used to rely on, I used to respect, I used to love and cared for and I used to trust.
His words was absolutely hurting , even when I decided to silent myself, he starts going insane by continously bashing and hurting with his mean words in his status..and he chose to keep on hurting me over and over again...do I deserve such abused? Absolutely NOT...

Quote Lynn " He is so mean to you, of course I feel your pain and I'm upset that you don't see these clearly and still hoping he would change and even have the audacity to forgive him" unquote...

It was such an impact, I was in complete silent somber mood. But it was a reality check that much needed by me. I decided and will stick to this until the day come.
Friendship fall out is never easy, ending a friendship is even tougher than breaking up, but when you have to decide , you have to stand up for yourself for once

I can't forgive you anymore or anyhow Jacob Shaun(maybe for the rest of my life) , what you did to me was unaccepted. It's time for you to be responsible with your own actions. I may forget you, and I know it's the best option for me now. I won't be in your life anymore...as you wished...
I'm sober now and no more intoxicating my own mind
we may cross path someday, those feelings that used to be there, will no longer exist. Just move away and pretend we never known each other. Because, thats what I'm intending to do ...and
you can judge me as much as u want and you can even call me childish and ignorant with my decisions, but do remember these- I can make it ALONE

xoxo

Another Suitcase In Another Hall

Yes, another turns of event in my life. No matter how much I want to keep it, when the times finally comes I had to let it go. Heart breaking and painful experience , I should have known better but I rather face it then not knowing what where and why? 11 months I've compromised, I've tolerate, I've sacrificed, I've closed the door to the chances and things that matter the most. What do I get in return? absolutely nothing? I've decided to let this go again, and put away all the memories. If 1 day I look back, I can smile at those times when I was with him, and having less regrets. It was then a good time and bad time, bitter sweet memories..I'm glad I went through it, I have no hates for him, I shall forget him...but
What he done to me I cant never forgive ..only time will tell...meanwhile, it's time to leave this place and move on to the next ...
another suitcase in another hall


xoxo

Madonna Celebration!

29/09/2009 is the ultimate date for die hard fans of Madonna like myself. The Madgesty or lately adopting a new nickname - M(pronounced ' Emmm' ) will be releasing her super premium greatest hits (the last with Warner Music) Greatest Hits that includes 34 her best songs ever that make musical history! 2 extra bonus song - Celebration the titled single which was released in august and the MV was uploaded in the net on 1st September(Itunes US was generous enough to give free downloads for this fantastic video for 2 days) I love everything and anything about Madonna, Celebration is yet another Madonna classic to be, to your face dance track that sounds ohh-s0 sexyy yummy on the dance floor.

Facts about Madonna Celebration -through sources of www.madonnalicious.com (non official website)

Warner Bros. Records has confirmed the final track listing for Madonna’s upcoming 'Celebration' CD - The 'Ultimate' Compilation - and 'Celebration the Video Collection DVD' - both scheduled to be released on September 28/29th. The songs which were selected by Madonna and her fans have all been exquisitely remastered. 'Celebration' will be available as a two-CD set as well as a single CD.
The 'Celebration Video Collection DVD' will include unedited and never before seen footage of 'Justify My Love' along with 27 Madonna videos to be released on a DVD compilation for 'the very first time' including 'Into The Groove' and 'Give It 2 Me' as well as the just completed video of Madonna’s new single 'Celebration.'
Madonna clearly continues to rule the dance floor with her latest single. Her 'Celebration' Remix EP is #1 on iTunes Dance Album chart as well as #1 on the Masterbeat overall chart. The song is #5 on Billboard’s Club Singles Chart and the Greatest Gainer for the second week in a row. If 'Celebration' reaches #1 on Billboard’s Club Single Chart, it would be Madonna’s 40th! #1 Club single - the most of any artist in the history of the Billboard Club Singles Chart.
On the international front so far, the 'Celebration' single is already #1 in Italy and Holland, #2 in Japan and is Top 5 airplay in every other major market.
Another newly recorded song, 'Revolver' featuring Lil Wayne is also included on the 'Celebration' CD. Artwork for the packaging of the CD and DVD was designed by renowned street pop artist 'Mr. Brainwash.'
Currently on tour in Europe with her sold out 'Sticky & Sweet' Tour, the multi-Grammy winning Rock and Roll Hall of Famer with the highest grossing tour in history for a Female Artist, is scheduled to end her tour with her final show in Israel on September 2nd.

Madonna Celebration CD Track Listing:
CD 1:
01) Hung Up
02) Music
03) Vogue
04) 4 Minutes
05) Holiday
06) Everybody
07) Like A Virgin
08) Into The Groove
09) Like A Prayer
10) Ray Of Light
11) Sorry
12) Express Yourself
13) Open Your Heart
14) Borderline
15) Secret
16) Erotica
17) Justify My Love
18) Revolver

CD 2:
01) Dress You Up
02) Material Girl
03) La Isla Bonita
04) Papa Don't Preach
05) Lucky Star
06) Burning Up
07) Crazy For You
08) Who's That Girl
09) Frozen
10) Miles Away
11) Take A Bow
12) Live To Tell
13) Beautiful Stranger
14) Hollywood
15) Die Another Day
16) Don’t Tell Me
17) Cherish
18) Celebration

Madonna Celebration DVD Track Listing:
1) Burning Up
2) Lucky Star
3) Borderline
4) Like A Virgin
5) Material Girl
6) Crazy For You
7) Into The Groove
8) Live To Tell
9) Papa Don’t Preach
10) True Blue
11) Open Your Heart
12) La Isla Bonita
13) Who’s That Girl
14) Like A Prayer
15) Express Yourself
16) Cherish
17) Vogue
18) Justify My Love
19) Erotica
20) Deeper and Deeper
21) Rain
22) I’ll Remember
23) Secret
24) Take A Bow
25) Bedtime Story
26) Human Nature
27) I Want You
28) You’ll See
29) Frozen
30) Ray Of Light
31) The Power Of Good-Bye
32) Beautiful Stranger
33) American Pie
34) Music
35) Don’t Tell Me
36) What It Feels Like For A Girl
37) Die Another Day
38) Hollywood
39) Love Profusion
40) Hung Up
41) Sorry
42) Get Together
43) Jump
44) 4 Minutes
45) Give It 2 Me
46) Miles Away
47) Celebration

MV Photostills: Madonna Celebration Video- Wearing Balmain 2009/2010 creation

Smashing !

xoxo

The Journey - Kembara TV3 and JOM Heboh 2009!

Activities in month of July , was absolutely packed!!!
From the 20th of July till 25th of July, I worked for basically 14 hours a day. I was having flu and slight fever(Thank God is not H1N1) But I must say, it's an amazing journey of my life. Discovering love and friendships and new experience in life.

From 20th July till 22nd July
I had to conduct extensive training for sales promoters for the 3 major events happens the same weekend! It's absolutely ridiculous for the local councils to approve and demanded that these events to happens almost simultaneously, and my company (telecomunication Maxis) is the major sponsors for all these 3 events, means that with limited work force , all of us in the region has to multi task. I had very less rest, lunch was a quickie, sleeps only for 3-4 hours. I was every much restless but I'm having good time, the companion of the people I worked with just make it up to these crazy and hectic time. I'm lucky to work under an amazing boss, who appreciates and recognize our hard work well. Aside, I consider my training was succesful as I have created a new bench mark in our promoters , all of them have been groomed to perfection, this is something I know much and I know I wont settle for anything less than that.

23rd July - Kembara TV3 day 1- Serian
I never really fancy the life in a celebrity lane , main because I am not one to start with . The local celebrities are not fanciful bunch of boobs( I said these with much love) The Kembara TV3 is a reality TV show that visits rural areas with the significant convoys of big red buses(a corporate Maxis color) , the marketing hype to introduce this local and most succesful private TV station . Media Prima joint ventured with Maxis/Hotlink, together they bring everyone from rural area closer to them. Media Prima celebrities caught me by surprised, this amazing talented artistes and TV personalities are well poise and fun to be hang out with, no aura of -DIVA-nabe exist in any of them. I must say, I feel like one of them. We reached Serian town( 45 minutes driving from Kuching) It was thursday afternoon, the turn out was a bit disappointing but we make sure it's fun for everyone, the best part was the event was delayed due to heavy rain for 2 hours. Me and my collegue sneaked out to grab ourselves a late lunch at infamous seafood restaurant in Tebekang that serves GIANT fresh water prawns(it was huge and deliciously cooked in a sweet n soure creamy gravy..yummmm-Ooooo!)
The event continues and end with poco-poco(line dancing) it was fun indeed, to see the familiar faces and the unfamiliar faces gather around and enjoy ourselves to the max.

24th July - Kembara TV3 Continues- Sri Aman

I'm 31 and I'm not ashamed to admit , being a local Sarawakian. I never been to Sri Aman. It was a road trip opportunity for me:! This time the journey was quite tiring and it was a long long journey (3 hours to be exact!) It was all worth the trip when the we see exciting massive crowds gather at the open stadium arena. This time, my boss wants me to show my talent as an emcee and presenter. I managed to pull the crowd and we were so lucky to have this talented local pop/rock group SOFAZ to grace our stage and perform their hits!
It was really fun to see this local faces enjoying themself despite the afternoon heat.


25th July - Jom Heboh , Kuching
I woke up at 6am , mind you I reached home last nite at 11.30pm and went out to meet my friends and came home and sleep at about 2am. I was at the venue Stadium Negeri Kuching public carpark(where the event will be held) , we were doing the last dry run at our gigantic HOTLINK tent(consist of several booth, a lounge area, air conditioned room and mini stage) my job today will be co-hosting HOTLINK concerts from 10 am till 10 pm. I was so excited to finally meet Kish (a talented TV presenter and actor from KL) we did this before in Miri a year ago, we had an amazing chemistry on stage , it was all drama and fun!
Yes I am an emcee too ...ahaks my close friend Jacob came in the afternoon to give me his support and stayed till finished, so glad that he was there to assist me, he was like my manager and my bodyguard.. The Jom Heboh crowd was crazier than we ever expected, it was big turn up for the first day and continously till the event end at 10pm. Funny part was, I never considered myself as a famous celebrity, but I was that day, strangers approached me and even take pictures with me... to the point Jacob had to request for a way for me to move as I swamp by crowds. CRAZY TIME!

26th July - Jom Heboh

Finale, the crowds are even bigger this time, it was sunday, stage activities was packed with exciting events, it was more challenging as we have big celebrities performing on stage. The dry and hot sunday afternoon was never dampened, crowds gather more and more. It's fun and also physically challenging for me to jump, to scream to dance and to act out like I'm having so much fun or like I just had a superficial drugs to get me hyper. Jacob accompanied by Wilfred this time making a duo team to be my own entourage. In return, I bring them exclusively for a backstage passes for the night major concert marking the finale of the event.
My family came and gave me their supports and stayed till the concert. It was too good to be true, no words can express my experience tonight

xoxo

On Pillow Talk and musing with true angels

Usually, pillow talk are meant to be ..Urkk... in the bedroom at night.
Remember those night, loads of junk foods, bad movies on TV and you gather with your girl friends talks your hearts out- anything from beauty, love, relationships and of course the latest gossips. But, this time with a lil' twist and creativity splashing here and there .
I now unconventionally(conventional are for bunch of pussies!) slot in pillow talk in every session of my current Creative Sales Training. The last time I had the chance to do such massive sales training for an event was in 2007 for Maxis Hotlink Jom Heboh Miri , Sarawak. It was indeed a fun and fulfilling one week sales boot camp.

This time I don't have the same luxury in terms of time: Only 3 days, with 2 different sessions to be conducted, and each sessions last about 6 hours and to put icing on top of the layered cake(mind the local pun) each sessions are attended by two very unique and much different groups. The training was especially designed for Hotlink promoters, my boss has given me the freedom to conduct these sessions and to take up this sales course ,of course I'm most glad to accept this offer by him.

The sales training starts with basic training style- ice breaking, product exposure and creative sales guide for promoters.

The 3 days training was attended by about 40 pax, consisting of young boys and girls who either eager to be a Hotlink promoters or just here to get free events access. These group of 'younger generation" has somehow blend in with me so easily.

The session that they awaits the most would be the "Pillow Talk"
Here we would share our intimate feelings on the current events and training that they have attended, their fears and concerns or anything that they want to share. We would work around with all these and create solutions and seek opportunities and rooms to fill up the obvious gap, improving for the better.

Most trainer will never want to show their flaws and for me, it's full of bulshits! A trainer is a human being that far from perfect, I myself admit to my audience that . We are only here to educate and improve our self, mistakes are meant to be made, and is not an excuse to not work hard or change for the better....I showed them how to admit mistakes and resolve issues and make decisions firmly, i showed them how to be more human and emphasize on the basic rules of emotional intelligence- empathy and human touch

The pillow talk even makes me realize that each individual are more powerful as a self even more dynamic if it's in a group. Working as a team needs strong (emotionally and physically) individuals to build a firm foundation of a successful team.

It was indeed an amazing 3 days of my training career here in the region
The beautiful faces of these 'angels' just warm my heart, they are crazy and fun, they've work hard and play hard...thank you guys
this blog is dedicated to all my Hotlink Promoters (Jom Heboh 2009, Kuching, AF Reunion Concert and Kembara TV3)or my Fabulous Hotlink Crewz

much love!

Hey There Beautiful

Hey Beautiful !

I've been so busy the past few months and blogging is no longer my leisure luxury. Ramadhan Al Mubaraq is coming up in a few days, work load will be less and I promise to update all my pending entries(End of June, July and August)

Happy Fasting everyone and much love!

Neyna
xoxo

Why? What? How?

Why do I always make wrong choices and impacted myself negatively in the long run? Why do I need to feel heart break when I can choose a different path that ensure some happiness for myself? Why do I am born as I am now, to easily fall for something that is wrong that feels so right? Why do I constantly blinded by superficiality of my surroundings? Why I keep on destroying my trust in love and all the possibilities? Why do I keep myself away from something that will change my life? Why am i built with a tender and fragile heart? Why can I admit that I cannot have it all? Why I keep on crying inside when I can cry myself out? Why I don't listen to people around me? Why I need to stay this way when I can choose not to?

What have I done to myself? What are the price that I have to pay to be this way? What is life without heart break and happiness? What is love? What is LUST? What is friendship? What is relationship? What is happiness? What is sadness? What is life without experience? What?

How can I do to make myself better? How do I change my own life ? How to make the right choices? How to have inner peace? How to make people see I can change? How to make someone see I'm the one for him? How can I make him love me....when he knows I love him more than anything?
How to move on from a broken heart? How to face a life after a tragedy? How to heal a broken heart? How to save a friendship/relationship? How to face reality that sometimes ruthless and bitter? How to be a better person?

xoxox