I couldn't sleep well last night, not in the bad way. But was thinking the whole night through- How lucky I am- Alhamdulilah. I'm such a lucky gal. For the past 32 years, I've been striving to find myself one true love. When I least expected, I found it :)
I woke up today and actually smiles :)
I start searching the 'love' when I reached puberty . I was well exposed with hollywood movies, American TV series and American pop musics (thanks to MTV & Channel V) I am channeled to see love as a relationship, fills with candies & roses. Lots of kisses & hugs, probably those occasional under the sheet action. I realize that was just a marketing propaganda, to make people believe that relationship should be that way, as what I experienced was different than what I dreamed of , a total polar opposite on what I wished and fantasizes . My sort called relationship was fill with so many confusions, mostly determined by my own lust, physical attraction(the only way to explain why I'm attracted to physically tall & 'big' boys, as I see them as my own image of love , protection and security for myself).
I remembered the 1st time I fall deeply in love, I know it was wrong for me by then to fall for my own gender, but since I'm a transexual. I see myself as a girl and is all right for me to fall for a boy. I was seventeen. Very naive and very much guided by my heart and not my mind. He was a friend's of a family, a tall big typical redneck. But 7 years older than me; I see him as this sexy and I want to hug all the time kind of guy. He gave me a respond, was also attractive to me. I so want to see him so more, day by day. But, what we've normally do when we meet was, nothing much than talk and hold hands; every now and then he would let me hug him. Like a big bear hug, and I would sneak a chance to kiss his shoulders through his shirt. For me that was so satisfying . But as I grew older and my needs have shifted, I want to experiment something new. I was then watched a couple of porn(yes, this is bad people!) I want him to taste him, and fill me sexually) I was a virgin then and I thought I know what physical thing is sex, without knowing the consequences, the risk I may faced. He oblige what I want when I told him my desires, but, there's something's missing. Those magical and beautiful feelings when you 'make love' is not there. I asked myself, where is it? why is not there? why I don't feel the thing I should . All I felt was, shame , guilt, slight pain and somehow disgusted with myself. I become quite paranoid, when I noticed that , after that night we were together. Our relationship become drifted away slowly. I was totally paranoid then. By then he has his own drama in life to deal with, he was involved in some many mischievous behavior and obviously are more keen on his own life and his friends around him.
I decided that is time for me to moved on and forget him for good(at least what I thought then) I further my studies, moved to Kuala Lumpur. Life there was very much different , as I discover the feminine side of myself, as I realize how beautiful I can be , and how sexy and attractive I can be. I become this totally transformed person. KL was a place where everything sinful is cool , and I was surrounded by men who is mostly oblige to entertained me for their own personal pleasure.
But I'm still a picky and choosy person then, I would only do it with a guy that attracts me. I have many one night stands, most of them looks like him. My 1st love. Maybe he was my 1st, and I totally see him as the epitome of a perfect guy for me. 6 years in KL, I had 3 long term relationships. The most significant was my 3 years relationship with the married men. He was accommodating both sexually and materials. I was literally his 'sugar baby' but I feel that was love . I know how much he loves me then and would do anything for me. I was happy with him, again; I feel there's always something missing in me, I can't really explain. I will always think about my 1st love. Is true what they said(or at least what they want us to believe)-you can never forget the 1st guy that steal your heart away.
I moved back to Kuching , and was starting a new life. Living with my family and my friends. But deep inside I was yearning to see him again. But faith was not on my side . But somehow changed my mind, he came into my life, it was rather unique. He was so beautiful to me, totally different than my 1st love in so many way, they may share a similar physical attribute(big & tall) but he was absolutely different in mannerism. He was soft spoken, full of wisdoms (3 years younger than me but was raised abroad-UK- for the last 7 years) I am not just attracted to his looks, but I also attracted by his heart, souls and mind. But I was afraid to be heart broken( by then as I'm closing 30, I was experiencing heart break & rejections like a revolving door of the heartbreak motel) so I decided to keep it to myself. But we always have the chance to be together in different ways, through work and social meet up. Until, one event in 2007. That actually for me was a tipping point in my life. I made an effort to look absolutely stunning, with hopes that he would look my way. Is true, when u wished for something so bad, you'll definitely gets what you wished for(so be extra careful no?!)
He approached me that night, like some teens at a prom night. We hold hands the whole night through and spend the night together and it was no turning back since. He told me he was the luckiest men in the world. He was falling deep into me as I was with him. I am a reborn 'virgin' re-believing love & miracles. But then it was a tough relationship, long distant I'm a person who is very clingy . But we both make an effort to make the relationship works . It was beautiful, we were like match made in heaven. He completed me in every way. He's fun wicked humour attracts me the most, he's the person that makes me laugh at myself and all the small things around us . He makes me feel beautiful every moment when I'm with him. He was absolutely kind, charming and very generous . He never failed to say love & misses and I actually senses that it's the most genuine thing a person do and says to me.
But like everything good in life, it will come to an end sometimes. Our relationship meet an absolute dry spells . So we decided , there's no point to continue when it brings pain to both us, we fight too much, we argued too much, we disagree too much; But, when we both break up. It was not a sad and angst kind of breakup. It was a breeze, is like your making the right decisions. It was cool.
After him, I make a few more mistakes in life. Falling for someone which is absolutely wrong for me to do so, a few more one night stands. A few more crushes and falls. Then my 1st love appears in my life again, slowly and uninvitedly
A long the way, since moving back to my parents house, I see my mother and I see myself- I'm reckoned as "mumsy" to many of friends. I am different than any of my transexual friends, sex was not really my priority in life. But showing in actions, i.e taking care of the person like my mum do was I am best at. I guess, most of the men I dated was attracted with my look or my beauty. But they like to be taken care of, like to be pampered , like to be cherished and loved by. Things that I hope someone would do so.
My parents have been married for the past 45 years. They've been together since and I see their relationship is not common. They argue many times, but they always agree to disagree, without being vocal- they resolves issues within them before they sleeps at night. My father is a very wise and no bullshit type, my mom is soft and kind . They fit like a glove, they balance each other in every way. Maybe there are heart breaks and issues they don't show to us their children. But they stayed and somehow nourished the love always. During my dad's ill period, mum was there all the time, taking care of him with no complaints. It was so adorable to dad finally shows his romantic and passionate side, childish and playful with mum. Like they're young lovers in a romance novel. When they talked to each other, there's eye contact and body language which is so strong , a chemistry that overwhelming that one can only experience it to truly feel it. I am amazed how much the love mum gave to my dad that she's actually the reasons why my dad want to get well, want to fight his illness . Seems that for these, dad wants to repay by being strong and to stay together with mum as long as Allah's will. Dad's says that he would rather go 1st as he doesn't want to bare to live life without mum. I've seen this happens in my family, the man potrey a strong alpha male, but deep inside are hopelessly romantic and passionate .
I'm lucky to have both mum and dad's attribute in love and passions. I always and will believes in love.
Recently I was approached by him again, we agreed when he break up then it was for the best, and agreed that if destiny and faith brings us back. It was a sign, we were meant to love each other and it's Allah ways to tell us that, we were meant to be together for a reason. I take him as he is, but stop expecting and hoping too much. I am living the presents rather than worries about the future.
My 1st love came into my life again, but in a good way. I see him often and admit to him that I'm dating someone. But I know what he truly wants from me was only me to love him in the right way. He needs me the most now and I somehow feels what I'm doing now is the right thing to do. I spent times with him, talk and talk. We shares problems and we shares our thoughts. The gap then and now was filled with much wiser communication . I told him that it's ok for him to love me, and I will love him. Now I have two persons who loves me the most, the different is, the love that I shared with them was between a friend & a lover. I love the other guy as a friend, and the other as a lover. But I will accept if Allah's will, I am destined with either one of them. I would rather lose both of them and continues to love them my ways.
Living in presents , let futures worries as timely it should be. That's my motto
relationship is a unique and subjective matters only 1 can experience and tells.
I am definitely one lucky gurl , I have loves in me and I know it will stays in me till the day I die...Inshallah..aminn
xoxo
