How Fat Am I- July 2007

How Fat Am I? Part 1

Okie..very interesting topic to start my monday, to begin my week. But I've been emotionally and physically argue within myself in regards of weight issues. My personal weight issues. I've been yo-yoing diet ever since i'm 19, and after 10 years. I havent learnt so many things. The society seems to be a bit cruel when it comes to physical appearance. I've been told fatty, chubby and even some says i'm too 'huge' n i shld reconsider being a ladyboy(wht the fuck was that for?) I am surrounded by slim perfect creature( so I thought...) but when I look back, is not abt, being skinny and slim, but being able to personally accepting your body and be comfortable with it. I have to admit, althought I am happy with my body, there comes a time. When I look myself in the mirror with disgust. I always wanted to be slim n fit. Maybe, If i'm slimmer n healthier. I would be more happier.

When you're me, then you know..It' s pretty hard. I've tried so many diet programme available. I even tried Atkin's(no results at all!!) and now, i'm considering, over the counter diet surprasser. I know it's dangerous, but since I have no time for extreme diet, extreme exercise and I'm not super rich enough to have a live-in personal trainer. I'm trying this supposedly working diet pil called Reductile. ( I stop taking those diet pills as it doesnt help me much, so i switched to a better options: diet and exercise)

now let me fully exposed my weight. I'm 97kg which would be 194lb, I'm 5 feet 11. and yes, according to nmy BMI, I am obese(such a dreadful defination of FAT) i'm overweight, and I have to admit, I do feel a bit heavy. I smoke about 7-8 piece of ciggie dail(thats depends on my stress level, If the working pressure is way extreme, I may increase the intake) I dont drink much water daily these days( (I always believe, it makes me feel heavier, and I have this water retention issues) and I'm social alcohol consumer. which makes it more reasons, for my pilling weight these past few months. Back home means, my mom specially would eventually cook some of my favourite soul food(which nothing less than oily and greasy delicious food) Mom especially seems to worry, whenever I decided to eat in smaller portions, she would assume I'm not well or trying to avoid bonding with my family. Which is non related.

I'm worried about my increasing weight. I want to be more slimmer and fit. My measurement on slim would be, at least 25kg lighter than my weight now(within 3 months, that would be a bit crazy, but hell!! I can always try..right) coz, when I saw myself then, when i was slimmer, my face seems to look younger, and my body seems to be more smaller framed . the most important thing would be , how well define my facial structure would be. Very Ai Tominaga (the japanese supermodel, Okie..not that close ..a girl can always dream) it's ridiculous to be putting supermodel as my menthor. But hell, I promised myself. I would NOT starve myself to death. Reductil would help me to decrese my appetite, I would try eating healthily, smaller portion, drinks more water and try to detox myself as much as I could.
so bring it on..

My Life So Far- Posted in July 2007

My Life So far : July 2007

I guess now I need a place for me to express how I felt right this very moment, the best place would be this annoymous blog, that nobody would bother to read...a place of my own, a sanctuary, a place that I call home..a sort of longing of a peace of my own mind...I usually dont trust anything superstitous, horoscopes or tarot. But my guts telling me to try reading my tarot, and It was meant for a leisure reading , untill it turns this way

26/7/2007 Thursday, venue- my lonely cubical, time- morning= unknown

How you feel about yourself now (Wheel Of Fortune)Perhaps you feel due for a bit of good luck or indeed are experiencing some at the moment. The Wheel of Fortune is a card of destiny. What is happening now we could call fate, so if positive things are happening with your love life, career or finances this is no coincidence. If no such things are happening, expect a sudden change in fortune.

Yup, ever since my company sold to the rich billionaire AK, most of our privillage and benefits are taken away too. I've work 4 years in a contract basis, aiming to be hired permenantly was my biggest goal. But then again, nothing quite it seems. Good things never seems to last, the year I was offered permenant position, the shares I was offered also taken away. Is like having a candy in your bare hand but not able to enjoy every sweet bite of it. Some people told me to count my blessings, they said I was lucky enough to get some. But seriously, it makes me realise, life is tad unfair. How am I born unlucky? I am not from a rich family, living in a very tight budget has been a part of my life. Would anyone bother to understand? they may think, I should keep on counting my blessings..but fuck...it's my life I'm living..Is a hard life? do i learnt anything from all these? yes I do...life is full of mysterious puzzles around us, and not everyone are born lucky. I am determined to change my faith and destiny, it's a matter of when and where and how...

What you most want at this moment (The Tower)

The cards suggest Neyna, that what you most want at this time is an easy solution to a problem. However in life, turmoil and upheaval often brings about change - just not quite as we would like it. Seize this opportunity of change as a chance for a new beginning. You may want to move home but will be experiencing setbacks.

Yes I need a miracle, a magic potion to cure everything thats happening in my life. Eliminating all my debts( yes, I learnt big lessons) unlimited sources of money(who says money cant buy happiness, they do, is just they dont want to deluded us with it) I was more slim(heck..i'm huge for an asian ladyboy...more beautiful..but lets be more realistic now...I dont have anything...I have only limited sources of income...maybe I can twist my faith someday..or maybe God's has His own plan...for me in the near future...I could have been worst..If I was...

Your fears (The Hermit)

You are frightened of being on your own and loneliness, and you simply don’t know quite what to do. Take time to relax and in time you will have the answers. The Hermit signals a warning not to make hasty decisions, so try not to get too stressed, and if you have been unwell this is a time for rest and recuperation.

I am so lonely now, the last relationship with the married was cursed to fail. The unwanted feelings of liking someone to the max, and sacrificing and loving someone who doesnt even bother to aknowledge it. How can I be so blinded by all these, a certain one small moment of happiness. I should have aim higher, expecting better, and wanting more . I'm telling myself, I should learn to love myself better, never settle for avarage. I should learnt to see life in a different angle and appreciate what I have now.

What is going for you (Judgement)

Brand new potential, an opportunity which once given must not be ignored, a new project, decision or relationship that could affect the rest of your life. You will enjoy success and enjoyment for past efforts, events will pick up a pace and the outcome will be quicker than expected.

I am now given an opportunity to perform and be better at my work, and I am given the chance to live with my parents. God is telling me, is about time for me to actually give back what my parents used to give to me. I should love them more everyday, never expecting anything in return. I dont see an chance to regain another relationship. A boy who came to my life recently, is not answer that i'm looking for. and yes, I was lying to myself. I dont love him or imagening him as my future. I want to be with him, coz I love the idea of. Being single and alone is the last thing on my mind. To the guy that work in the same company, whom I fancied for almost 4 months now, he's not going to be with me, now or never. So I should stop expecting anything ...I have a few things that I should planned from now. Is about work, life n me in general...is all about me

What is going against you (The Lovers)

Are you suffering in silence in an unhappy relationship or feeling very lonely? Do you have the courage to make the decision you really know you should make? You have a great sense of duty but are you happy? A difficult decision has to be made - have courage and you will achieve emotional happiness.

Enough said..I hate being single and alone. But look around me, I have undying love from my family and my close friends. Is not an obstacle anymore, is not a big deal, yes..I may end up in more lonely sleep alone nights. But hey, it couldnt get any worst ...is not my time yet..I believe that

Outcome (The Hanged Man)

You will in time know what decision to make about who or what must be given up. This is a time of passage from one phase of your life to another. It may be a difficult choice, and self-sacrifice is never easy, but if you look for truth and integrity and don’t be too materialistic or hang onto things or people for all the wrong reasons, everything will turn out in your favour.

I am so obsessed in financially planning, i plan for something that absolutely ridiculous, hoping for a gold mine from a fairy well. Knowing these would not actually come true. I am so contented with hopes of getting material happiness. MacBookPro laptop, Sony SLR digital camera, shoes, handbags, new clothes. Does these determine the amount of happiness I'm gaining. I am so shallow. I have to sacrifice, I need to rearrange my life, my financial situation. I must use, what ever money I soon have, to clear all my unwanted debts. and yet again, does this proof, money is not making one happy, money is the culprit of almost anything evil...

I hanged on to my past relationships. I still have angst towards Syam, Bawie, Jimmy and Rajib. I still hold a grudge in me, and holding to it too much, it is killing my soul slowly. I have to live my life, and learnt to let them go. Bit by bit, I know is going to be tough..But I know I can.
Holding to someone , or more..

I lied myself to like or even love Aiman, Joseph and Joshua, these 3 men. Who came to my life this year. I have fool myself and them to the max, I have to stop doing so. I need to confront them, or leave them in peace. I believe..they would understand..I was a lonely gurl, a lonely confused gurl..a gurl who needs more attention than anyone else. a gurl who breaks everyone heart..I'm the bloody bitch..I have to admit..I can be such a cold hearted person..but yet again...living a life, we may need to be selfish...every now and then...how can I ? I may need to find the answer..but now, I have to let them go...

I am not relief yet, I need more time to reflect all these, as the cards suggesting. I must learnt to organise my life, more relax, and see life in a more different view. Believe in the beauty of everything. Trusting in myself, making myself a top priority...maybe I will achieve whatever it is...

A man who failed to plans, plans to failed...is there a truth in it? yes it is. I am one of the statistic of the worst case scenario. I determined to turn the table around

Updating My Blog

Dear friends and kind readers,





I'll be moving my previous blog page to this site soon. Now what I'll do, I'll be transfering some of my previous favorite entries from old blog(http:neynaradzuan.blog.com) to here for the viewing pleasure of all my new readers.


It's time to change to a better blog site.

Barrack Obama On Change 2009

Love,
Neyna

ME, Myself And I

Once Upon A Time.. There's A Lil Chubby Gurl...
All right...Let me welcome myself to this world of blogging...the world that I used to lived in years before (come to think of it..I used to be quite happy in my little bubbly world and yes a lil bit pathetic...obsessing it too much)This absolutely not my 1st attempt on writing too...this is my 3rd online blog(the first 2 got hacked and harrased, I really hope this one wont end up the same)

A bit about myself..Hell..a bit? I can write till the world ends about myself ...it's my blog..I can write anything I want..aite..here you go...

I was born 29 years ago in Sibu Sarawak...yeapp..my proud land of the Hornbills(so it seems the bird is our national significant of my native land..how ironic..) in a loving family of Mr Radzuan and Mrs Ronnie...the youngest of 5 children...and a proud of mixture of two culture(chinese and javanese malay) I was later raised in Kuching(quite a small town by then) and my childhood starts litterally there and then and now...Discovering bits and pieces of the mystery of my self being...It was hard a mixture of sweet n bitter memories that keeps alive in me ..and it's a constant reminder of myself..I am schooled and educated in unconventional way of chinese education..12 years of study( and i always questioned myself...why did i never born a smarty ) my teen life was quite boring and not so exciting. The only person i hang out with was Tieqa, my neighbour, my cousin and my friend(till this very moment) she is however plays the important part of sexual evolution and the person who makes me belief in myself and accepting myself as I am....transvite..I don know how many people bothered to read my blog..well..I dont give a fuck!! i'm a shemale..still doesnt have a cow? okie..I'm physically born as a man but would prefer being a woman...now..at least u know the idea who am I...So anyway.. it's not easy being me..it's a frequent battle , emotionally and spiritually.

I am raised in a family who believes strongly in my moslem religious roots, and undeniable chinese and malay cultural aspects which clashes every now and then. But I am proud to say, my parents(they are my amazing and they taught me well) they always being accepting on me as I am.

I am Neyna Radzuan, 29 years old TS(lets keep it nice n short shall we..)* Nyah, bapok or pondan(vulgar malay words commonly used by malaysian to describe people like me)as every 'woman' would be, at my age. I too , suffers from bodyphobic( is there such word? well..who gives it a f*** anyway...it's my blog..and I can be all titsies as much as I want) I am 5 feet 11, 95 kg(yupp..thats an exact 190.lbs)...and in a perfect size O world...I am, and what they call OBESE...yes..I am fat...and I dont lie...although, I keep on reminding myself, love my body, accept myself as I am...and I'll be confident enough to live my life through...who am I kidding..I always want to be slimmer(at least 20kg lighter) face it..I am not born, with high metabolism (which by the way... skinny slim supermodels seems to be praising these gospels....*owh I have high metobolism..and I eat a lot too* yeah right) I dont have a beautiful facial structure and feature (plumy roundish face and never seems to get rid of the baby fat on my face) I dont have luminous, translucent smooth complexion (I copy these down from- on the shelf beauty in a jar -sucker proof - ad) I have an obvious enormous big sized frame(comparing to my other TS counterparts ) and I can only fit in size 16 jeans and size 14 or 16 tops or dresses..oh by the way thats 38inch waist for those dumb-o who pretend doesn’t understand any of my words/language.

I'm listing down all my negative side of myself now (although in a shrink world...these can only means...prozac..prozac..prozac...owh bad Neyna!!)However...I know there are so many things that can really make my life more interesting and lively at times. I'm a friendly gurl, who have countless friends and acquintance all over the place....I make an effort to be friendly, cheerful and all exciting at once. I'm that chubby gurl is who is not afraid to make a fool out of her self and sparks laughter when in need.

Aside from being reckoned as a brunette version of the mortal infamous Paris Hilton. I'm trilingual (yup, not something a guy would find it sexually interesting about it at all) I speak malay, english and mandarin well (I wont be able to judge my own language ability, do I??) I do photograph well though( all those ANTM marathon seems to help me on the tricks of looking absolutely gorgeous) I have a beautiful smile( some would fall for it..some would find it too cute for them to handle) and I have what they call...oversize ass, but hey Beyonce and J-Lo been using that to channel beauty and the real womanly physique should be in the world where every one starve themselves silly( and at least my curves it's all natural) so what the heck!!...and I must say, the damn 'thang' have been admired(and somehow been indulge) by some of the most adorable men around....

People around me always amazed with the level of my confidence, which most of the time, they are blinded by it. Deep inside, I am an insecure person, lonely and very much leading a depressing life.. (so i thought...)

I made an oath to reinvent myself...and I will make it happenI'm counting my blessings; I have the power to make people around me feel good. The work line I am in requires me to be confident, supportive and motivative to everyone. But I do drain out by my work though; it was indeed not my number 1 career choice. But I believe, one day i'll achieve my dream..to be a ...a hollywood actress...ahahahahah! kidding..I want to be a shoe designer...yes..think about Jimmy Choo, Monseuir Blhanik, Stuarzt Weitzmant, Gina..just naming a few of my inspirations..I'll be the 1st TS world reknown shoe designer, it's going to be on every womans feet...they will love my designs, Madonna's daughter Lola is going to be my fan, I'll be dressing those famous feets that will be sashaying the red carpet at Oscars or Grammy.

My phylosophy :It's all about being avant garde, comfortable and yet classic...my dream..I shall achieve

Vogue UK(Vogue US is full of shits, and btw Hollywood actresses are not good role models) and Glamour magazines is ol time leisure addiction ( I beg to differ..it's not all glossy and glam pictorial mags at all..it's good reading..although is not that literature masterpieces..but still)and these days I have these weird attractions towards British humour..from mags, books, movies to sitcoms. They seems to be way smarter, wittier and funnier than the americans( think of Little Britain, Bridget Jones, Mr Bean?,Mind Your Language(classic)Adrian Mole, Helen Fieldling)

I love fashion labels( wished I could afford them one day) Chanel thanks to Lyn(over obsessed Karl Lagerfeld temple follower, and she even called her self Chanelist-like Kabalist) Miucia Prada(she's so amazing, for unfortunately looking ol lady from Milan..she has way vision in fashion ahead from everyone..come on now..how can someone make a turban looks so sexy and demuring , if it's not from her) John Galliano...and he is pure artist...a living legend..a Dior Couture shaker...and he makes me wild with imagination(how can u explain me, wearing my big heavy skirts thanks to me mom quilted blanket, and me strutting down the imagenary Paris catwalk shows(yes...me are the finale of Dior show) and Tom Ford..for Gucci(used to) I'll do him..definately I would..and there's no doubt in that..they only gay guy I would go down to...ahahahaks

I love musics..I love anything that is pop, danceable R&B hip-hop, and pop alternative rock, and pop jazz. I am in love with Sheila Majid ever since I was a little gurl(she is the reason, why I want to be demure, alluring and sexy..yess..she is the only Malaysian female singer who can get away with skimpy off shoulders, two piece cocktail dresses or sleeveless long dresses without looking trashy and '*menyimpang akidah', what she wears is always fashion.and yes...

The only one that I worshipped so much..Madonna...she is my IDOL..enough said..I am raised and grew up listening to Holiday , Like A Virgin, Lucky Star, Papa Dont Preach, La Isla Bonita, and Vogue..and like wine..she is better as she grow older..just simply adore her...I want to be HER...

Some of you would be wondering, why am I still single? trust me..in my case, being single is not my choice. Come on now..i'm 30 years old, I'm still single and it was not choice again...nobodys want to go home alone and still living with their parents..thats just plain nasty!...
I went through a few relationships in my entire life, some are good, some are bad(which I wished I never been in any of it) but each of it makes me a stronger person. I know one day I'll be with someone who loves me, cares for me, admires me, adores me...but still make everything all sense ...maybe I expected too much, maybe i'm too picky, maybe I'm looking at all the wrong places..maybe It was not my time yet...maybe I have other things that way more important..maybe just maybeI have a few criteria of a dream guy of mine..he must be taller than me, strong, musculine, bulky(slightly chubby) hairy, with stubbles and goatee, no race preferences...but I just love those chinky eyes..smart, witty, funny, who would willing to share happiness and sadness with me. Who would makes my world go round and round again..who kisses passionately, who cuddles always..who is obviously loves foreplay..and excellent in bed...those are my wishes..I am more careful with what I wishes now..and thats the whole reason I'm documenting all these down...

Calling all adorable hunky yummy single man in this entire universe..if u think u have what it takes to be my next boyfriend...:) u know what to do now...So as the smart men would say...and the story begins


And if you think my english sux, I beg you to leave my blog page, before I'm over poluting your precious mind!