My Life So Far- Posted in July 2007

My Life So far : July 2007

I guess now I need a place for me to express how I felt right this very moment, the best place would be this annoymous blog, that nobody would bother to read...a place of my own, a sanctuary, a place that I call home..a sort of longing of a peace of my own mind...I usually dont trust anything superstitous, horoscopes or tarot. But my guts telling me to try reading my tarot, and It was meant for a leisure reading , untill it turns this way

26/7/2007 Thursday, venue- my lonely cubical, time- morning= unknown

How you feel about yourself now (Wheel Of Fortune)Perhaps you feel due for a bit of good luck or indeed are experiencing some at the moment. The Wheel of Fortune is a card of destiny. What is happening now we could call fate, so if positive things are happening with your love life, career or finances this is no coincidence. If no such things are happening, expect a sudden change in fortune.

Yup, ever since my company sold to the rich billionaire AK, most of our privillage and benefits are taken away too. I've work 4 years in a contract basis, aiming to be hired permenantly was my biggest goal. But then again, nothing quite it seems. Good things never seems to last, the year I was offered permenant position, the shares I was offered also taken away. Is like having a candy in your bare hand but not able to enjoy every sweet bite of it. Some people told me to count my blessings, they said I was lucky enough to get some. But seriously, it makes me realise, life is tad unfair. How am I born unlucky? I am not from a rich family, living in a very tight budget has been a part of my life. Would anyone bother to understand? they may think, I should keep on counting my blessings..but fuck...it's my life I'm living..Is a hard life? do i learnt anything from all these? yes I do...life is full of mysterious puzzles around us, and not everyone are born lucky. I am determined to change my faith and destiny, it's a matter of when and where and how...

What you most want at this moment (The Tower)

The cards suggest Neyna, that what you most want at this time is an easy solution to a problem. However in life, turmoil and upheaval often brings about change - just not quite as we would like it. Seize this opportunity of change as a chance for a new beginning. You may want to move home but will be experiencing setbacks.

Yes I need a miracle, a magic potion to cure everything thats happening in my life. Eliminating all my debts( yes, I learnt big lessons) unlimited sources of money(who says money cant buy happiness, they do, is just they dont want to deluded us with it) I was more slim(heck..i'm huge for an asian ladyboy...more beautiful..but lets be more realistic now...I dont have anything...I have only limited sources of income...maybe I can twist my faith someday..or maybe God's has His own plan...for me in the near future...I could have been worst..If I was...

Your fears (The Hermit)

You are frightened of being on your own and loneliness, and you simply don’t know quite what to do. Take time to relax and in time you will have the answers. The Hermit signals a warning not to make hasty decisions, so try not to get too stressed, and if you have been unwell this is a time for rest and recuperation.

I am so lonely now, the last relationship with the married was cursed to fail. The unwanted feelings of liking someone to the max, and sacrificing and loving someone who doesnt even bother to aknowledge it. How can I be so blinded by all these, a certain one small moment of happiness. I should have aim higher, expecting better, and wanting more . I'm telling myself, I should learn to love myself better, never settle for avarage. I should learnt to see life in a different angle and appreciate what I have now.

What is going for you (Judgement)

Brand new potential, an opportunity which once given must not be ignored, a new project, decision or relationship that could affect the rest of your life. You will enjoy success and enjoyment for past efforts, events will pick up a pace and the outcome will be quicker than expected.

I am now given an opportunity to perform and be better at my work, and I am given the chance to live with my parents. God is telling me, is about time for me to actually give back what my parents used to give to me. I should love them more everyday, never expecting anything in return. I dont see an chance to regain another relationship. A boy who came to my life recently, is not answer that i'm looking for. and yes, I was lying to myself. I dont love him or imagening him as my future. I want to be with him, coz I love the idea of. Being single and alone is the last thing on my mind. To the guy that work in the same company, whom I fancied for almost 4 months now, he's not going to be with me, now or never. So I should stop expecting anything ...I have a few things that I should planned from now. Is about work, life n me in general...is all about me

What is going against you (The Lovers)

Are you suffering in silence in an unhappy relationship or feeling very lonely? Do you have the courage to make the decision you really know you should make? You have a great sense of duty but are you happy? A difficult decision has to be made - have courage and you will achieve emotional happiness.

Enough said..I hate being single and alone. But look around me, I have undying love from my family and my close friends. Is not an obstacle anymore, is not a big deal, yes..I may end up in more lonely sleep alone nights. But hey, it couldnt get any worst ...is not my time yet..I believe that

Outcome (The Hanged Man)

You will in time know what decision to make about who or what must be given up. This is a time of passage from one phase of your life to another. It may be a difficult choice, and self-sacrifice is never easy, but if you look for truth and integrity and don’t be too materialistic or hang onto things or people for all the wrong reasons, everything will turn out in your favour.

I am so obsessed in financially planning, i plan for something that absolutely ridiculous, hoping for a gold mine from a fairy well. Knowing these would not actually come true. I am so contented with hopes of getting material happiness. MacBookPro laptop, Sony SLR digital camera, shoes, handbags, new clothes. Does these determine the amount of happiness I'm gaining. I am so shallow. I have to sacrifice, I need to rearrange my life, my financial situation. I must use, what ever money I soon have, to clear all my unwanted debts. and yet again, does this proof, money is not making one happy, money is the culprit of almost anything evil...

I hanged on to my past relationships. I still have angst towards Syam, Bawie, Jimmy and Rajib. I still hold a grudge in me, and holding to it too much, it is killing my soul slowly. I have to live my life, and learnt to let them go. Bit by bit, I know is going to be tough..But I know I can.
Holding to someone , or more..

I lied myself to like or even love Aiman, Joseph and Joshua, these 3 men. Who came to my life this year. I have fool myself and them to the max, I have to stop doing so. I need to confront them, or leave them in peace. I believe..they would understand..I was a lonely gurl, a lonely confused gurl..a gurl who needs more attention than anyone else. a gurl who breaks everyone heart..I'm the bloody bitch..I have to admit..I can be such a cold hearted person..but yet again...living a life, we may need to be selfish...every now and then...how can I ? I may need to find the answer..but now, I have to let them go...

I am not relief yet, I need more time to reflect all these, as the cards suggesting. I must learnt to organise my life, more relax, and see life in a more different view. Believe in the beauty of everything. Trusting in myself, making myself a top priority...maybe I will achieve whatever it is...

A man who failed to plans, plans to failed...is there a truth in it? yes it is. I am one of the statistic of the worst case scenario. I determined to turn the table around