FLAME TO DUST
LOVERS TO FRIENDS
FRIENDS TO ENEMY....
The last time I wrote about my heartbreak and fail relationships was almost a year ago...that was completely different then.
I'm 31 years old now, throughout my years in life. I had exactly 4 relationships before, based on romance,lust,passions and love(doesn't mean in that particular order) every each, teaches me and make me a better person . I have to admit, I'm not the most perfect person in the world, then again. No one is.
This time I had to face another breakup(so far the worst) and then check this out. Is not even a relationship to start with. A friendship turn into fatal attraction(WOW, I'm using bombastic expressions)
Here you go, I have a close friend, a guy that I've the chance to meet and known almost a year ago. I was then a single girl who has just went through a breakup , I needed new friends in my life. Instead of making friends with my own kind, I decided to open myself to befriend with my opposite sex.
He was a sweet,cute, kind, charming boy and has the level of maturity that is so attractive to me. He portray an alpha male that I always am a sucker for. Anyway, after awhile, the closeness begins to flourished as an infatuation. I decided to confront him and told him about my feelings. He responded positively but rejecting the idea in the most subtle way. I remember that heavy load of burden was light off from me, and I was relief that I was being honest to him. I thought the friendship will be so awkward, but it was a total different story. I remember telling him, I don't want to lose him as a friend, and I will continue to love him in my own ways, I literally beg him not to stop me from doing so(damn that was lame and one of my -what was I'm thinking moment)
We begin our beautiful friendship, we spend many hours and days together or with friends. We always find a reason to meet, be it lunch, dinner, endless coffee sessions, movies or just a ride in his car driving aimlessly in our little humble city . Friends start to assume we were an item but of course we were not and we dismissed the idea. I have to admit, I do threat him extra special, but I always tell myself. It can't be more than a friend over n over again, but the back of my mind keep on whispering me these false hopes and fake dreams of someday he will turn around and says that he loves me. It never happen in the reality though. We have our differences, but we make sure to talk it out. He is an amazing guy, with so much potential in life, I make sure to lead him the way and introduce him to my world, my work, my family. Let him discover the world that he never expected someday he would.
During this friendship period, I closed my door to any potential lover, cause I was happy with him, and I wasn't looking for love . I was happy with what I had then. I found something that is more than I'm looking for. When I was in a real relationship, SEX was the priority. I'm not prude and I was sexually active person , and I found most of my ex-es enjoy the sex with me(not trying to blow my own horn-again, mind my pun)
My friends who knows me were quite concern with new idea of 'friendship' which for them is a bit too far. They tried to talked me out of it, advising me to stay away of being too intimate with friendship. I admit, I was stubborn and would rather experience pain and pleasure myself. In that sense, I want to experience life as it is and I want to let myself grow. I know is not bed of roses, but being me. It was digging my own grave slowly and deeply without me even realizing it. But, they don't see what I see in him, his kindness and his willingness to be by my side at most time when I needed someone, and it takes two to tango. But I'm only human, I do expect something in return. When I look back, I've sacrificed many things for him, but everything I did was out of sincerity and honesty. I was expecting too much in return . I give and give and continue to give, but I get non in return. All I want was, a small amount of respect and love , but I have no regrets, cause I truly believe in karma, and i believe what comes around does goes around, no matter what. It may not be soon, but later.
When I was with him , I've went through happiness, sadness, jealousy, overwhelming love, extensive generosity(which I rarely show these to any of my other friends) vice versa, I can feel that he does put me much in his priority list, but I forgot that he's young and growing up . The mistakes that I made was, I make him feel I was obsessive towards him and making him feel I was still hoping for his love- it's quite a yes and no answers on my defends. But I do keep myself sane from time to time , that it will never happen between me and him. I start to see a different side of him , he starts to get annoying and disturbing at times. He is so emotional and can be very heartless, is like the universe is channeling the energy only to him. He start show his true characters, which later I learnt to compromise and try not dwell. But as a friend, I become expressive to him, telling him to his face the do's and don'ts. Again, he would feel I'm trying to control his life, but to me is ensuring him not to make any stupid mistakes that I used to make. Again, this is just my nature and it was definitely not right for me to do so. I try not to focus on the negative energy that surrounding our slowly drifting a part friendship, and I start to back out slowly and I start to treat him just like a regular friend, with no special treatment . I start to listen to my inner voices, I start to surrender to reality and let go what is necessary.
I thought my action will result in a positive respond to him, by then I see him with new group of friends. At first I'm having a withdrawal syndrome, I get paranoid and overly jealous. I show it my emotion and my expressions. I knew exactly the fact that he hates my silent treatment with him, he can sense something is not right but too cool to ask why from me. It get worst, when I see his sort call friends starts to use him for a ride, start to take advantage and start to misused and abuse him subconsciously. It was too heartbreaking for me to witness them all, I dont wanna make mistakes by being the overly protected friend, I decided to stay away from him and let him realize it by himself. But I know the fact that it will be useless for me to barge in as I know he will deny and defensive when I start questioning and judging his friends.
Prior to the problem, 2 weeks before his birthday. I was planning for a grand surprise dinner party for him, yes it was rather sad and pathetic of me. The plan of course went down the dirty drain almost immediately.
It starts by him updating his FACEBOOK status, with all this negative homophobic and transphobic innuendo that clearly to hurt my feelings. The most painful part would be, he is not a stupid and ignorant person that he is . He knows he exactly the consequences of his action, he told me before on how he has issues in keeping friends. I discover that is not all about the other party, but is always falls under his personality and his attitude.
The
facebook status between me and him starts to become an internet war, both of us responded by channeling negative and nasty status, the objective was to hurt each other.
But a good friend advised me to be silent and let it go by not responding to it anymore. I did
and I get to see a clearer picture and somehow I managed to think clearly .
It was only on the day of his 'grand' birthday party when he decided not to have me in his party list, i realize...after almost 11 months of being his friend, I was not his friend, I was never his friend, he decided to make me his enemy, he choose to make me the evil person who try to homosexual-him up and I was never someone to him at all...all those long hours,days ,weeks and months that we have shared together was nothing to him...
A lady like me and the independent 'bitchy' woman in me yearning to make the right decisions. DELETE him from my life, and that was clearly the next best thing to do : DELETED him from my FACEBOOK...Instead of obsessing about him, instead of reading nasty comments about me in his status wall..I'll DELETE him completely...
I swear to God, I never felt so humiliated in my entire life by someone who I used to rely on, I used to respect, I used to love and cared for and I used to trust.
His words was absolutely hurting , even when I decided to silent myself, he starts going insane by continously bashing and hurting with his mean words in his status..and he chose to keep on hurting me over and over again...do I deserve such abused? Absolutely NOT...
Quote Lynn " He is so mean to you, of course I feel your pain and I'm upset that you don't see these clearly and still hoping he would change and even have the audacity to forgive him" unquote...It was such an impact, I was in complete silent somber mood. But it was a reality check that much needed by me. I decided and will stick to this until the day come.
Friendship fall out is never easy, ending a friendship is even tougher than breaking up, but when you have to decide , you have to stand up for yourself for once
I can't forgive you anymore or anyhow
Jacob Shaun(maybe for the rest of my life) , what you did to me was unaccepted. It's time for you to be responsible with your own actions. I may forget you, and I know it's the best option for me now. I won't be in your life anymore...as you wished...
I'm sober now and no more intoxicating my own mind
we may cross path someday, those feelings that used to be there, will no longer exist. Just move away and pretend we never known each other. Because, thats what I'm intending to do ...and
you can judge me as much as u want and you can even call me childish and ignorant with my decisions, but do remember these-
I can make it ALONExoxo
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